It ha been a while since I have written. I know. I flirted with the blog a couple weeks ago after having a beuatiful and glorious night involving a few women, a hot tub and a good deal of alcohol. But, decided that it really was better left in my head.
So here I am again, after celebrating my birthday last night. I took quite a lon gtime off from writing, pretty much since nothing was really happening. Since leaving Tokyo in October I have put a good deal of focus on my relationships, friendships and family. The world of divorce is a tumultous nightmare of emotions, rage, bliss, excitement, ange and, well, you name it. Divorce is the most horrible greatest thing that could ever happen to anyone. It is ugly, yet at the same time the most beautiful part of anyone’s life.
And now, as my family starts to re-form and come together a this new being, through many many weeks of hardship and rough, nasty slices of life, I get to bear witness to another life so ready to crumble. It’s heartbreaking to see one so young and so caring and so open to everyone to have her life ready to be torn apart. It won’t happen though. She’s too much like her mother. She will enure the pain and torment for many more years and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
We all have to make our own mistakes. There’s no way any one of us can do anything to change that. We can do our best to influence and guide them in their time of need and be there for support.
Part of the restructuring of your life after divorce is developing a new support system and putting in those key friends that will make your life so much better than before, whether it’s bandmates, co-workers or that once girl you have this magical connection with. Everyone needs that filtering system in their lives. They need someone to vent with. It’s such a key piece to my life, and eveyone’s lives. I’ve found that friend since coming home from Tokyo. As I deal with Calamity Jane, who by the way is the love of my life and has never fit me so perfect in every way, shape and form, she is still a mess inside, her mind torn apart from years of abuse from her ex… I still have that one friend now that I can tell all to. She knows a lot of my secrets. I know a few of hers. As w wal through this life guarded and shielded, even from those we love, there’s still that one who goes deeper.
I’m glad to have found that. I am so glad that I spend so much time with those I love now. As I look to my life gone by, I see many years of focusing all of my energy inward and shutting myself off from the outside world. I am private person. I am a shy person. I’ve got a degree of agorophobia or something. Whatever it is that is the fear of large crowds. It closes down my systems. Shuts me down. Locks doen the outside world. Yet still, now, many years later. I have a few who can tear down that wall.
It’s a support system. Something I’ve never really had before. I have friends and those who respect me in places I never paid attention to before. My co-workers came through in spades last night. Making my late night after party birthday party something fun. Yet, they come through and totally GET me in a way I neve even knew they were aware of. And that’s this right here.
The writing. They gave me access. They opened up new levels of writing. Especially on the go. I can bang out a post in a matter of minutes now. Mobile. The way of the world now. Technology. It’s a wondeful thing. And the supprt system, holds it all together.
Michael Mustizer 