The dream of Californication.

She’s a mystery to me. A wonderful mystery. A dream to change my world from darkness to sunny clouds. I’m not going to say she came in and chased the dark clouds away, cuz I really am one to sit and enjoy a thunderstorm and watch as mother nature unleashes her fury down upon the world around her. But she sure is something else.

For many months I spoke of living my life like Californication’s Hank Moody, brought so truthfully to light by David Duchovny’s heartfelt and most certainly freudian side of his personality performances. By living this way, I was able to become the me that I am today. And now, I will just need to continue that way of living, and with my Karen by my side I will easily be able to carry on that role for the rest of my life.

While living through divorce, your life is upside down for many many months. Not to mention that the lives of the childen is corrupted forever. To think that I have actually been bankrupted both emotionally and literally by the tornado that took twelve years of my life away. And all of that really is made better each and every day by the world that my inner Hank Moody pulled out of me. By breaking through my binds and tearing down those walls of repression and regret I was able to unleash the beast inside and take my spirit to another level of happiness. Call it orgasmic. Call it inner peace. Call it zen if you wish.

Where I am today is standing tall after months of mental cleansing and forcing the blackness out of my life.

I’m not sure if I have spoken much about my divorce here. I suppose I probably can’t really say much until the final paperwork is signed. And if I have told this tale of woe bhefore, forgive me. It is but a defining moment in my failed marriage. A date with destiny that I knew was doomed from the beginning.

It was 2006. Maybe 2007. I had flown out to Los Angeles for a week of meetings and sales pitches for my epic western miniseries, “Vengeance and Co.”…which ironically was the bloated skeletal template for Ashio. I took the western elements and shifted them to a post feudal, pre modern Japan. I had spent the week pitching like mad. Selling ideas for scripts I hadn’t even were. I had meetings with agents and production companies. Met with a shitload of people in such a short period of time. I was wildfire. I met with Geroge Clooney’s people. I met with Mark Wahlberg’s people. I met with Denis Leary’s people… who scoffed at the idea of a western… while being mildly intrigued at the possibilities of it. I had one hell of a week and had many requests to see the scripts. To see the outlines. To hear the details in depth. I was ecstatic. I was flying home with hope in my eyes and dreams in my gut. Wide open and ready to break free from the suburban lower middle class. My life was finally going somewhere. My hard work on Cold Winter was paying off and there were those inroads to Hollywood opening up for me.

The plane landed. I packed my gear along with my smile and excitement into the beat up 93 buick… to where later I would spend many of my Hank Moody nights and experiences in… I drove that beast up the interstate to my suburban home. Upon opening the door, it was already too late. before I even set foot on the back steps of the house, I could hear the yelling and screaming of someone unable to keep her cool in the face of two younguns. Then the dog was involved and there was screaming and yelling and before I knew it, the black cloud had enveloped me and all signs of hope disappeared into the night. It was gone. All of it. And I could do nothing to stop it. The negativity and the energy surrounding it was a black hole that I tolerated for two more years.

That was the defining moment in my career. I knew before I could move forward, I had a hell of a lot of pain to trudge through.

A few years pass, and it’s 4am. The middle of a snowstorm. In her mom’s driveway. It’s minus 4 degrees outside. And Hank Moody arrived. So had his Karen.

…along with the complimentary writer’s block.

But we’re not going to let that drag us down. A little writer’s block never hurt anyone.

ANd now, here we are. Together. On the verge of a trip overseas to a foreign land to make a movie that can’t get made in the US.

Yes. to make a movie. There is no try. there is only DO.

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