Ramblings of Time Standing Still

Time is at a standstill.  My world and it’s walls grow closer together as every day goes by.  I’m tired.  My body is sore and my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be.  I’m hungry, but that’s nothing unusual.  The problem is, if I eat anything, I gain weight.  Now, I am not a big man by any means… well, at least not in the belly.  But I still haven’t shaken that 8 pounds of winter weight from last winter.  … and it’s July.  it bugs me.

Time is at a standstill.  My nerves are shot and on edge as every day gets closer to moving into our new house.  My nerves are shot, since I am living in my sisters bedroom in my mom and dad’s house as I wait out the three weeks of homelessness.  Going home is ok.  It’s nice at some times and others, I just want my own house back.  I want my office back.  I want my place to lock myself away and write and be silent. 

Time is at a standstill and Northern New York is in the midst of a ungodly heat wave.  We’re cracking the mid nineties, which is very high for this area and part of the world, but because we are centered on rivers and the shores of Lake Ontario, the humidity is excruciating.  I’ve gone three days with minimal sleep and have tried every method possible to get some sleep.

Time is at a standstill.  The hidden beach where I used to be able to go and stare at the edge of the world and wonder how far Canada is from me is no longer hidden and in the middle of the heatwave, the secret State Park is bustling with activity with alcohol and teens.  Where once Lance Manly buried is lost lover, now is filled with littler, beer cans, heat and poisoned waters of filth and lost nostalgic ecstasy.  Secret hills of staring at tits and wanting nothing more than to fuck that chick in orange or the one with blue hair just so I don’t have to hear her talk.  But those days are gone. 

       

I can’t go back there.  Not with crowds the way they are.  I need a new hideaway.  I need a new world. 

I need my waterfall.

Time is at a standstill.  We are at the halfway point between here and there and this past weekend went much better than the previous.  I didn’t feel like breaking my wrist at all this week.  Where last week… I wanted to shatter brains with sheer will power.  It’s not so bad and today I celebrated my youngest’s sixth birthday.  Six.  the age where you are no longer a little baby boy.  He’s a kid now.  He’s mouthy.  He’s funny.  He’s cranky.  He sleeps til noon.  He’s a devil in an angel’s skin.  He’s got a smile that will turn your world around.  He’s never been happier than he is right now.

And then.  I take him back to his mother.  Ugh.  We’re getting along at the moment so it’s not horrible.  She’s been a lot better since she hit me with the car.

The days of summer are long.  The heat is unbearable.  And I don’t mean that in the cliched way.  it’s fucking hot.  You can’t go outside because your flesh will melt away from your skin.  You can feel the heat wash over you in waves.  It bursts across your body through the heat.  It is a strange and comforting feeling and then oppressive as the minutes go on.  It’s so drippy.

All I can do is long for cooler days. 

The days go by and there is no news to report today.

Time is standing still.

I think I’ll just have to jerk off and fall asleep.  I don’t think there’s another way.

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