I’ve mentioned my dad before. And here I am again. I find it hard to believe that I become more and more like him every day.
For years, my dad has been up and moving around at the ass crack of dawn. Every year I got older, he got up an hour earlier. I know they say that as you get older, you don’t need as much sleep. And it’s harder to sleep and all that funk, but I see it in my dad. I think some days he is up and moving around at 4am. Now he doesn’t usually accomplish all that. Usually it’s an hour watching coin shopping on the shopping network. An hour watching food network. Maybe half an hour watching the news and sipping coffee. But the fact is, he’s still up and out of bed and not sleeping.
Now, my battle with insomnia has been no big secret. Go to sleep at ten, wake up at 12. Go to sleep at 11 wake up at 1. Go to bed at 12 wake up at 2. Then just lie there. Wide awake. Sometimes for four hours. Or just toss and turn until 6 am when I decide to just step outside the bed and find something to do. Maybe that’s what it is for my dad.
I took to sleeping pills to conquer that. After being on them for about a week or two, I was able to set my sleep schedule back on. Lately I’ve been making it through the night. I’ve also had a lot less stress lately. Or at least a considerable amount less. The stress is still a pain in my ass, but I am at least able to make it through the night naturally now.
I’m ten days off the pills.
I might wake up in the middle of the night here and there, but my body puts me right back to sleep. The down side of this sleeping through the night is that I am waking up awful damn early. Today it was 5:15. Yes, in the am.
And that’s why I know I am like my dad. Unlike my dad, I choose to keep my ass in bed. This morning I pressed my body up to that of my truest and dearest and just sat there basking in her warmth. I was safe. Comfortable. Warm. And just content, knowing that I have something in her that I’ve never had before. I can’t even put into words what that is. But I’ve never had it before. It may be what true unconditional love is. Not fairy tale love. Not puppy love. And nothing like lust or just plain fucking. This is just a deep feeling of happiness that keeps me safe at night and lets me sleep through the night. We’re compatible. We work well together. We hurt together and live life together. We play together. We have this amazing sex drive that keeps us healthy and happy and close. We laugh together. We truly love each other.
This morning, she is going to go purchase a wedding dress that she fell in love with. I haven’t even proposed yet, or bought a ring or anything. And she’s already preparing for it. We know it’s coming. We’ve waiting a long time to get to this point and in a few more months, that freedom will work itself into another new chapter in this life.
…now, if we could just find someplace to live.